


She Was Malachite Then

by ValkerieRupert



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), F/F, Lapis Lazuli Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, POV Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), POV Second Person, Past Abuse, Past Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe) - Freeform, Sad Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Unhealthy Relationships, trans Lapis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-14 11:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16912233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkerieRupert/pseuds/ValkerieRupert
Summary: You tell her that your name is Lapis Lazuli and you're seeking a home.You also tell her that your name used to be Bob Lazuli but that you got it changed after coming out as transgender.You don't tell her why you're seeking a home.You don't tell her about your ex-girlfriend or daughter.You tell her you're a lifeguard. You offhandedly mention when you find out that a girl whose life you saved is actually her girlfriend's roommate. Small world, you suppose.You don't tell her that you're falling for the girl. You haven't fallen for a girl since Jasper.





	1. Introduction

Your name is Lapis Lazuli and you’re seeking a house to live in.

You’ve been repeating those words over and over again, planning to say them to the girl who posted the Tumblr post asking for a roommate when you arrive at her house.

Who the heck asks for a roommate on Tumblr? That’s the sort of thing you do on Facebook. On Tumblr, people aren’t supposed to know where you live, even if they have to call a number to find out the details.

Still, you suppose it’s for the best. You don’t have a Facebook account. You probably wouldn’t have seen it if it wasn’t on Tumblr.

Your name is Lapis Lazuli and you’re seeking a house to live in. It used to be Bob Lazuli but you got it legally changed after you came out as trans. Is that too much information? You were going to live with her, so you would have to mention being trans at some point, you suppose. 

Your name is Lapis Lazuli and you’re seeking a house to live in. You’re currently living in a hotel room. You’re living in a hotel room because you ran away from your girlfriend. You ran away from your girlfriend because you hated each other and only stayed together for the sake of your daughter. You’re leaving now because a month ago your daughter - 

That’s way too much information. She does not need to hear your life story. 

Your name is Lapis Lazuli and you’re seeking a house to live in. Your name used to be Bob Lazuli but you changed it after you came out as trans. You work as a lifeguard.

That’s what you’re going to tell her.

You knock on the door. You’re greeted by a short, pale girl. She has blonde hair that sticks up in a vaguely triangular way. Her bangs are kept in check by a triangular green hair clip. She has yellow glasses. She’s wearing a green top, a black skirt, and green socks with yellow diamonds on them. 

She had green eyes, and that’s the biggest punch in the face. Even if they’re darker than Malachite’s were. 

“My name is Lapis Lazuli,” you tell her. “It used to be Bob but I changed it because I’m trans. I’m seeking a home and I was hoping I could move in with you here. I work as a lifeguard.”

You don’t tell that her eyes, shirt, and socks remind you of the girl whose life you ruined.

You don’t think you’re ever going to tell her.


	2. Small World

It’s not long before Peridot’s girlfriend comes over.

Her name is Amethyst and she has dark skin and wild, dark brown hair that goes down to her knees. She explains that in a few days she’s going to bleach it and then dye it lavender. She’s wearing a necklace with a purple gem on it, a grey tank top and black leggings. She looks so familiar. Then she mentions that her surname is Quartz. 

You’re suddenly worried about Peridot.

“Do you have a sister or something named Jasper?” you ask Amethyst.

She nods. “She’s my cuz. Why, you know her?”

“Yeah…” you mutter. “She’s...my ex.”

“I can see why you broke up. She’s a major jerk.”

She does not know about Mala.

You intend to keep it that way.

 

The next day, you go to work. You basically just have to watch the beach and see if anyone’s in trouble. It’s a relatively uneventful day. It’s a long time before you see someone who needs help. You run into save her because that’s your job, and she comes uncomfortably close to drowning you in the process.

Not that you would mind dying.

At first, she seems ungrateful when you drag her back to the sand. “I was fine! I didn’t need help! I -”

Then her face softens. “You look familiar.”

You stare at her. She’s unnaturally skinny, with strawberry blonde hair in a pixie cut and bright blue eyes. You’d be lying if you said you recognize her. “You don’t.”

“I’m sure I know you from somewhere. Maybe we were elementary school friends?”

“Unlikely. I went to elementary school in a different country as a different gender.”

“What country?”

“The Philippines.”

Her eyes light up. “I was there, too, until I was six. Did you go to Anabu II Elementary School?”

You groan internally. “Yeah. But I don’t think I knew you.”

She stares at you for a moment and gasps. “Were you...Bob?”

You flinch. “Yeah.”

“Oh my gosh! Do you remember a girl named Blue?”

You’re tempted to lie so that you can get out of this conversation, but you tell the truth. “Blue Pearl? Yeah, I remember her...vaguely. She moved to America when she was, like, eight.”

“She’s my sister.”

That does not narrow it down much. You vaguely remember Blue having three sisters. “Which one?”

“The youngest one. My name was Pink, but I prefer to be called by my surname now. I threw a huge tantrum because you called a chess piece by the wrong name.”

Memories come flooding back. “Oh yeah,” you mutter. “I kinda remember you. I still don’t get what the big deal was with the horse.”

“It was a knight!” 

“Well, it looked like a horse.”

You look at her. She's shaking. 

“Are you okay?”  I asked.

“Yes, I'm fine...so, umm, what brings you here?”

“America or Beach City?”

“Both.”

“Moved here five years after you did.”

“That doesn't explain why you're in this city.”

You sigh. “It's a long story.”


	3. Gone

You and Peridot normally don't eat together, but today she makes dinner for you. She seems to be avoiding eye contact. You're grateful you don't have to see her eyes. 

“Peridot,” you say. “Do you have to wear so much green?”

“Do you have to wear so much blue?” she quips back.

You sigh. “It's just...all this green reminds me of something.”

You don't realize you're crying until the tears hit the table and suddenly you're not so hungry.

“Lapis?” asks Peridot. “What's wrong?”

“I’m fine, it’s just…” You struggle to get the words out. “My daughter died around a month ago. She always wore green.”

“I’m so sorry.”

You don’t quite understand why she’s saying sorry. You’re the one who should be saying sorry. It’s your fault she’s dead.

 

That night, you think of her.

(‘Her’ in this context isn’t Peridot, or Pearl, or Jasper.

It’s Malachite Lazuli-Quartz)

She was so beautiful.

She took after Jasper more than you. She had Jasper’s nose and her wild dark brown hair. More importantly, she had Jasper’s vitiligo. 

Jasper had bleached her hair as long as you could remember, and Mala started when she was ten. You had never been sure if it was her own choice or because of Jasper. You suppose it was probably because she liked it, even if Jasper had given her the idea. Jasper’s hair was always long and yellowish, while Malachite’s was shorter and almost completely white.

She had green eyes. Pale green. Jasper’s were brown and yours were dark blue; you were never sure where Mala’s eyes came from. You supposed it must have been from green-eyed ancestors you never knew about. It seems unlikely, but your parents both had brown eyes and yours are blue, so you know it’s possible. 

Her name was Malachite Lazuli-Quartz. She was the best thing in your life.

She was Malachite then.

And now she's gone.


	4. Guilty Pleasures

Amethyst comes over the next day. “Hey!” she says. “Thanks for saving my roomie!”

You don’t even try to pretend you know what she’s talking about. “Who?”

“Pearl. You know, the skinny one with blue eyes? She wouldn’t shut up about you.”

“Wait, she’s your roommate?” you ask. She nods. You don’t put much more thought into it. Small world.

(A part of you wishes it was just a little bit bigger, big enough for you and Jasper to both live in it without crossing paths. But another part of you hates you for wishing that. Without Jasper, there would be no Malachite.)

Normally when there are guests over you try to stay awake until they leave, but Amethyst isn’t your guest, she’s Peridot’s. It’s past midnight and she’s showing no signs of leaving. Tomorrow is a Sunday, so she and Peridot don’t have work.

You have work tomorrow.

You go to bed.

 

You never have been good at sleeping.

You stay up later than you’d like to admit listening to Amethyst and Peridot talking.

You overhear them talking about their guilty pleasures.

A ‘guilty pleasure’ is something that you enjoy doing, but that you feel guilty about enjoying.

You wish you could honestly say that your guilty pleasures are more like Amethyst’s and Peridot’s. Things like dabbing and owning fidget spinners two years after the trend died out. Things like reading terrible fanfiction or watching bad teen dramas.

Your guilty pleasure is living.

Getting out of bed in the morning. Eating food. Talking to people. Showering. Brushing your hair.

You feel guilty every time you do one of those things.

Everyone always presents abusive families as either two parents ganging up on the kid, or one parent abusing everyone else in the family.

Jasper was abusive, that was for sure. She was violent from day one. But you can’t help but wonder if you were any better.

You hated Jasper. She was the one more likely to start it, but when she did hit you, it was never one-way. Fights take two people. You weren’t just holding your own, you were throwing punches. She looks stronger than you but you could hurt her pretty badly.

The emotional abuse was two-way as well. You always acted like she was horrible for saying transphobic things in the heat of the moment, but you usually mentioned her vitiligo in an argument before she did.

And Malachite...poor Malachite. When she said she was being bullied, you didn’t outright say it was her fault for interacting with Steven like Jasper did, but you also didn’t do anything to stop it. You also didn’t try to hide the fact that you and Jasper hated each other and were only staying together to for her.

You told yourself that it would be better for her to know from the start than to find out when you were fighting, but just because she knew you didn’t like each other didn’t mean she had to see you fighting. Maybe if she hadn’t seen you fighting so much, she wouldn’t have decided it was her job to stop it.

When she was in year four or five, you remember, her elementary school teachers called a meeting with you and Jasper because of some questionable homework she had turned in. It was about a book about fear is. The homework was fine up until the last question.

_ What is your greatest fear? _

Mala’s answer:  _ My moms getting a devorse. _

She was your child. And her greatest fear was her parents.

Maybe it was more questionable whether you outright abused her, but you affected her in ways you could never know.

Every second of the day you’re not mourning her makes you feel like you don’t miss her enough, but whenever you do mourn her, you stop yourself. You don’t deserve to mourn her. Murderers don’t get to mourn their victims.

Abusers don’t get to mourn their victims.

You don’t miss her. You’re an abuser. You’re a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t have feelings, they just pretend they have feelings so they can manipulate people.

You manipulated Jasper and Malachite for fourteen years. Your daughter died because of you.

You’re crying. You’re not really sad, you’re a sociopath. You’ve just gotten so used to manipulating people that you fake cry when there’s nobody to hear you.

You know you’re just pretending to be upset to manipulate people, but you can’t help but wonder why this sadness feels so real. 


	5. Flashback

You’ve been giving her swimming lessons since she was four. She’s fourteen now. 

You hold her phone for her while she swims. You’re there watching over her, but you’re a lifeguard and you know she can keep herself safe, so you don’t give her your full attention.

It’s around half an hour before you realize she’s swum out of your sight. 

Panic mode kicks in. You forget that there are other people swimming, people who can’t swim as well as Mala, who might need your help. You half-drop, half-throw Mala’s phone onto the sandy beach. You’re dimly aware of the fact that anyone could easily steal it, but you don’t care. You can get a new phone. You can’t get a new Mala. You dive into the ocean to search.

Salt water isn’t good for hair dye. You dye your hair blue. The dye is meant to last a week but with how much ocean swimming you do you’re lucky if you make three days. You’re sure your hair must be completely brown by now. 

You don’t surface until you hear a familiar raspy voice calling your name. At first, you think it’s Mala, but you turn around and realize it’s Jasper. She sounds like she could be Mala because her voice is higher pitched than normal, she’s frantic. You swim over to the shore where she’s frantically waving a sheet of paper.

“I - “ she stammers. “I - The police are on their way -”

“The police?!” you demand. “Did you hurt someone!”

“No, I -- I found this in Mala’s room -- “

She hands you the paper. Your fingers are wet and the drops make the ink run but it’s still readable.

_ To my moms,  _

_ I’m so sorry for ruining your relationship. _

_ You loved each other before I was born, didn’t you? _

_ It’s all my fault. _

_ Goodbye. _

Your head is spinning. Everything is going dark. Your hands are shaking. You can’t breathe.

And suddenly you can.

You’re not at a beach, you’re in bed. You’re at home. You’re safe.

You’re safe and Mala’s not.

And she never will be.


	6. Sock Collection

You finally drift off into a fitful sleep, and then at five in the morning Peridot wakes you up to show you her collection of interesting socks.

She has what seems like a hundred pairs, and at least half of them are Pokemon themed. Some have various rainbow patterns, and quite a few have aliens. Her two favourites are both the same shade of green. One has small yellow diamonds all over it, and the other is knee-high, with a single large yellow upside-down triangle on the knee.

“Isn’t it amazing?” she brags. “I have it organized in alphabetical order!”

“No.” you say, not as politely as intended. “Who the hell organizes socks in alphabetical order?”

“Language!” snaps Peridot.

“Sorry. Whom the hell organizes socks in alphabetical order?”

She groans and stomps off.

You go back to bed.

 

You don’t get up until you have to get changed and go to the beach for work.

“Hello, Lapis!” says a voice. You turn. It’s Pearl. For the sake of politeness you try not to groan aloud. 

“Hi, Pearl.”

What you want to say is, “Fuck off,” but that would be rude.

“How was Amethyst last night?”

“I dunno, went to bed pretty early. What brings you here?”

“Just...thinking.”

She points to a large house on the beach. “That's where my roommates and I live.”

“Roommates?” you ask. “As in more than one?” 

“Yes,” she explains. “Long story short...I had a bad breakup recently, and my ex hasn't managed to move out yet. Her parents live in Texas and she's saving up for a bus ticket.”

“Gee, that must be hard on you both...wait, did you say she?”

She blushes. “Yeah...I'm a lesbian.”

“Same here, I guess.”

A part of you almost wishes it wasn’t the same. You’re not sure if you want to be straight, or if you want  _ her _ to be straight. Either way, a part of you feels certain that she hasn’t changed since you last saw her, when you were seven and she was six. 

You’ve changed a lot since then. 

You vaguely remember being happy was a seven-year-old.

You’re becoming increasingly sure that you’re never going to be happy again.


	7. Beach Summer Fun Buddies

“Lapis? What are you doing here?”

You can’t believe your eyes. It’s him.

Back when you lived with Jasper, the family would go to Beach City on holiday during the summers. It’s winter now. He won’t expect you to be here.

Steven Quartz-Universe, the naive, homeschooled kid that nobody except Malachite and Connie Maheswaran would dare talk to.

“Lapis!” he calls, running over to you. “Why are you here? It’s not summer!”

You hesitate. “I broke up with Jasper and moved here.”

“Oh. Is Malachite still with Jasper?”

Then it hits you.

He has a very vague idea that you and Jasper didn’t get along, from what Mala told him, but he probably thought you loved each other deep down. Even if Mala did tell him about the physical fights, he was too naive to understand abuse.

More importantly, he thought Mala was alive.

You hesitate. Is it your business to tell him? You told Greg. If Steven didn’t know yet, there was probably a good reason for it.

“She...went to boarding school.” you finally mutter.

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah.”

Your voice must not sound entirely genuine, because his face gives a goofy-looking attempt at looking angry. “You’re lying, aren’t you?”

You remain silent.

After a second, his face falls.

“Lapis...Is Mala with Mom?”

You freeze.

Steven’s mother is dead. That’s all you know about it. The way Steven talks about her seems to imply he was very young, but that’s it.

“Yes…” you say faintly. “She’s with your mom.”

“Oh…” he says sadly. “What happened?”

“She…” You hesitate. “Sometimes, when people are really sad, they decide that they don’t want to be in this world anymore, so they...make themselves die.”

“Is...Is that what Mala did?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

You don’t know why he’s saying sorry. You shouldn’t have told him. You should have waited until he was ready.


End file.
